There is nothing like being a parent that makes you realize what a complex process growing up really is. Somewhere along the way we all learned a lot, not just who we want to become, what we want to be when we grow up, how to read, and what is 2 +2. I'm talking life skills things, like how to recognize when our attention span is fading, what to do about it, how to let out our emotions, when to decide that you really can't wait any longer to stop what you are doing and go to the bathroom, and how long is five minutes?... Tomas, being the oldest child, gets the brunt of my parenting learning curve. There's not a great manual out there, buddy, and I don't have a license for this. Sorry for all the mistakes!
A few days ago I talked about Tomas' emotional struggles. He is figuring out how to express his frustration appropriately and how to move on. I see strides in this every day. As a matter of fact, the same day as my last post, he came home and made choices in handling disappointments (No, you can't have more handisnacks) that made me burst with pride. As we had discussed that morning, he told me he was sad about it and then calmly listened as I gave him his choices. Way to go my little man!! Seriously, I know tomorrow I'll probably be dealing with a meltdown about the wrong pair of underwear, but every journey comes with steps backwards. (If there is one thing the nightmare of potty training has taught me...)
Anyway, I digress. Today I want to talk a bit about focus. It's not an easy thing for Tomas...at all. When he's supposed to be listening, he is frequently whispering, singing to himself, or recreating a silent Star Wars battle with his fingers. In a way, these things help him focus so I tend to let them go. However, now that he is getting older, we are seeing these difficulties manifest themselves at school. He has trouble completing tasks (20 minutes is not too long to cut and glue a circle, bud) and listening during down time.
A few challenges with Tomas' focus:
1. He is one of the youngest in his class.
2. He is reading at a beginning second grade level, so some of the in class content is boring.
3. He doesn't really care that people might be annoyed that he's jumping around in circles instead of standing and listening.
A few things I've learned already:
1. Have him repeat back directions I give him. Frequently I find that he is so involved in whatever he is doing that he didn't even hear me. No use in getting all frustrated, let's just try again and make sure you're focusing this time.
2. Set time limits. I literally set a timer in our house and remind him of how it's winding down. Otherwise (and I'm not kidding folks) it will take him 45 minutes to eat three pieces of chicken and a couple of peas.
3. I frequently find myself saying. "This is the last time I am asking you and then I'm going to count (to 3, or 10, or whatever is appropriate)." This is one I struggled with for a while because before becoming a parent I found this very annoying (and part of me still does). It really does work, though!! I think part of my annoyance was, and I've had this discussion SO often, "What happens when you get to three." Well, you see, that is the key. Something does have to happen when you get to three. In my house, that is usually a time out or you don't get to choose anymore, I make the choice. Regardless, the key is be consistent and be prepared to follow through. "This is the last time I am asking you to do this or we are going to leave." You better be ready to leave the mall and go to the car because chances are those boundaries are getting pushed and you're getting called out on the fact that there are a few more stores you were planning to visit first.
Story time...
Here is what happened the other day: Tomas went to school on slipper day with slippers from our neighbor in his backpack. He was crazy super excited about these slippers, and I was happy to see him excited and therefore totally blind to the challenges (parenting lesson...never be blind to potential challenges and always stay two steps ahead).
Tomas is excited, he has new slippers, and excitement leads to higher levels of distractibility. Slippers are something to mess with in class...you see where this is going.
Needless to say, he lost both his bananas in class today. Without going into what that means in too much depth, I got a call from the teacher after Tomas left that day. He lost one banana because he wasn't following directions in gym class and another because he was playing with those slippers and throwing them when the social worker was presenting a lesson (like I said, should've anticipated that one). We are continuing to work on his focus and help him complete tasks effectively. His teacher is phenomenal and I'm lucky to have such a wonderful teacher for him!
So I got the two banana call before Tomas got off the bus...here's what happened when he got off the bus...
"Hi Tomas."
"Hi Mommy, I had a good day!"
"Is there something you need to tell me?"
"Yeah, I didn't lose any bananas."
WHAT?!?!?! Stop the presses. We've been working on the distractibility issue and will continue to do so, but here was an entirely new issue. Lying. Oh man!!! His smiling face with the notebook in this post...the result of some discussions his teacher and I had...
I've been writing for some time, and since I do have three kids and a house to take care of, that's all I have the time or focus for right now.
Stay tuned for Growing People Part II and what we're working on to combat this dual issue:
1. Honesty
2. Focus
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